Away Message
Chapter 8: The Full Moon Crisis
September 18th, 2003 - 3:23 AM
Private Message - SiriuslyTrouble
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SiriuslyTrouble: remus?
SiriuslyTrouble: i know you're awake
SiriuslyTrouble: your away message changed 20 minutes ago
SiriuslyTrouble: and you do that thing where you update it when you're anxious
MoonyBlues03: what do you want sirius
SiriuslyTrouble: just wanted to check on you
SiriuslyTrouble: you seemed really stressed earlier
SiriuslyTrouble: when james was having his whole rating breakdown
MoonyBlues03: i'm fine
SiriuslyTrouble: you're not fine
SiriuslyTrouble: i can tell when you're not fine remus
SiriuslyTrouble: i've known you for six years
MoonyBlues03: and you've betrayed me for one of them
SiriuslyTrouble: ...
SiriuslyTrouble: remus please
SiriuslyTrouble: i know i fucked up
SiriuslyTrouble: i know what i did was unforgivable
SiriuslyTrouble: but you're scared about something and i can help
MoonyBlues03: you can help?
MoonyBlues03: like you helped when you told snape exactly how to find me at my most dangerous?
SiriuslyTrouble: that's not
MoonyBlues03: like you helped when you decided my lycanthropy was a weapon you could point at people you didn't like?
SiriuslyTrouble: remus stop
MoonyBlues03: no sirius
MoonyBlues03: you don't get to "help" me anymore
MoonyBlues03: you gave up that right when you proved you see me as a monster first and a friend second
SiriuslyTrouble: that's not true
SiriuslyTrouble: you know that's not true
MoonyBlues03: do i?
MoonyBlues03: because when you were angry at snape your first thought was "i know how to hurt him"
MoonyBlues03: and your second thought was "remus"
MoonyBlues03: not "my friend remus who trusts me"
MoonyBlues03: not "the person i supposedly love"
MoonyBlues03: just "the werewolf who could kill him"
SiriuslyTrouble: it wasn't like that
MoonyBlues03: wasn't it?
MoonyBlues03: then explain it to me sirius
MoonyBlues03: explain how you "casually" told our enemy exactly how to bypass the whomping willow on the night of the full moon
MoonyBlues03: explain how that was anything other than using me as a weapon
SiriuslyTrouble: i was angry
SiriuslyTrouble: i wasn't thinking clearly
SiriuslyTrouble: i never meant for anyone to get hurt
MoonyBlues03: bullshit
MoonyBlues03: you knew exactly what you were doing
MoonyBlues03: you wanted snape to get hurt
MoonyBlues03: you just didn't care that you were using me to do it
SiriuslyTrouble: that's not
MoonyBlues03: and the worst part is you knew
MoonyBlues03: you knew how terrified i am of hurting someone
MoonyBlues03: you knew it's my worst nightmare
MoonyBlues03: and you almost made it come true
SiriuslyTrouble: remus please
MoonyBlues03: if james hadn't stopped him i would have killed severus snape
MoonyBlues03: i would have ripped him apart and eaten him
MoonyBlues03: and i would have had to live with that for the rest of my life
MoonyBlues03: because you decided your petty rivalry was more important than my humanity
SiriuslyTrouble: i'm sorry
SiriuslyTrouble: god remus i'm so fucking sorry
SiriuslyTrouble: i know i can't take it back
SiriuslyTrouble: i know i fucked up in the worst possible way
SiriuslyTrouble: but please let me help you now
SiriuslyTrouble: whatever you're scared about
SiriuslyTrouble: i can fix it
MoonyBlues03: you can't fix this sirius
MoonyBlues03: you can't fix any of it
MoonyBlues03: and i don't trust you to try
SiriuslyTrouble: remus
MoonyBlues03: goodnight sirius
*** MoonyBlues03 has signed off ***
SiriuslyTrouble: fuck
SiriuslyTrouble: FUCK
*** 15 minutes later ***
Private Message - ProngsQuidditch
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ProngsQuidditch: moony
ProngsQuidditch: i can see you're online
ProngsQuidditch: and i just watched sirius have what looked like a very one-sided argument
ProngsQuidditch: followed by him punching his wall
MoonyBlues03: that's not my problem
ProngsQuidditch: fair enough
ProngsQuidditch: but you being awake at 4am with anxiety away messages is my problem
ProngsQuidditch: because you're my friend and i worry about you
MoonyBlues03: i'm fine james
ProngsQuidditch: you're really not
ProngsQuidditch: you've been off for days
ProngsQuidditch: and tonight you looked like you'd seen a ghost
ProngsQuidditch: what's going on?
MoonyBlues03: nothing you can help with
ProngsQuidditch: try me
ProngsQuidditch: i may be distracted by my current crisis of "holy shit am i attracted to dicks"
ProngsQuidditch: but i can multitask
MoonyBlues03: ...james
ProngsQuidditch: what?
ProngsQuidditch: too crude?
ProngsQuidditch: sorry i'm still figuring out the terminology
ProngsQuidditch: "attracted to male genitalia" sounds too clinical
ProngsQuidditch: "interested in cock" sounds too porny
ProngsQuidditch: there should really be a middle ground
MoonyBlues03: you could just say "attracted to men"
ProngsQuidditch: but that's not specific enough
ProngsQuidditch: because i'm definitely attracted to you specifically
ProngsQuidditch: but i don't know about men in general
ProngsQuidditch: what if you're just an anomaly?
ProngsQuidditch: what if i'm just remus-sexual?
MoonyBlues03: that's not a real sexuality james
ProngsQuidditch: how do you know?
ProngsQuidditch: maybe i'm the first case
ProngsQuidditch: maybe they'll name it after me
ProngsQuidditch: pottersexuality
MoonyBlues03: ...you're ridiculous
ProngsQuidditch: but you're smiling aren't you?
MoonyBlues03: maybe
ProngsQuidditch: good
ProngsQuidditch: now tell me what's really wrong
MoonyBlues03: ...
MoonyBlues03: the full moon is october 2nd
ProngsQuidditch: okay?
ProngsQuidditch: that's like two weeks away
MoonyBlues03: james we're in quarantine
ProngsQuidditch: ...oh
ProngsQuidditch: OH
ProngsQuidditch: oh shit
MoonyBlues03: yeah
ProngsQuidditch: you can't get to the shrieking shack
MoonyBlues03: no one can leave their rooms after dark
MoonyBlues03: pomfrey can't escort me
MoonyBlues03: i'm going to transform here
MoonyBlues03: in the castle
MoonyBlues03: with hundreds of students sleeping nearby
ProngsQuidditch: fuck
ProngsQuidditch: okay
ProngsQuidditch: okay we can figure this out
MoonyBlues03: how?
MoonyBlues03: how exactly do we figure out how to contain a werewolf in a tiny dorm room?
ProngsQuidditch: well first of all you won't be alone
MoonyBlues03: james no
ProngsQuidditch: james yes
ProngsQuidditch: you think i'm letting you go through that alone?
MoonyBlues03: you can't break quarantine
ProngsQuidditch: watch me
MoonyBlues03: james you could get expelled
ProngsQuidditch: so could you if you accidentally eat a first year
MoonyBlues03: that's not funny
ProngsQuidditch: it's not meant to be funny
ProngsQuidditch: it's meant to be realistic
ProngsQuidditch: you need prongs there to keep moony calm
ProngsQuidditch: and you need me there to make sure you don't hurt yourself
MoonyBlues03: what about sirius and peter?
ProngsQuidditch: what about them?
MoonyBlues03: don't they get a say in this?
ProngsQuidditch: they'll want to help
ProngsQuidditch: you know they will
MoonyBlues03: sirius will want to help because he feels guilty
MoonyBlues03: not because he actually cares about me
ProngsQuidditch: that's not true and you know it
MoonyBlues03: do i?
ProngsQuidditch: remus he's in love with you
ProngsQuidditch: he's been in love with you for years
ProngsQuidditch: the prank was the stupidest thing he's ever done but it wasn't because he doesn't care about you
MoonyBlues03: then why did he do it?
ProngsQuidditch: because he's an idiot
ProngsQuidditch: because he was angry and he acted without thinking
ProngsQuidditch: because he's spent his whole life learning to use cruelty as a weapon from his psychotic family
ProngsQuidditch: and sometimes old habits resurface
MoonyBlues03: that's not an excuse
ProngsQuidditch: no it's not
ProngsQuidditch: but it is an explanation
ProngsQuidditch: and maybe that's enough to start with
MoonyBlues03: james
ProngsQuidditch: yeah?
MoonyBlues03: can we video call?
MoonyBlues03: this is too much to type
ProngsQuidditch: of course
ProngsQuidditch: give me two seconds to put on a shirt
MoonyBlues03: why aren't you wearing a shirt?
ProngsQuidditch: i was in bed
ProngsQuidditch: thinking about your rating
ProngsQuidditch: and other things
MoonyBlues03: TMI james
ProngsQuidditch: you asked!
ProngsQuidditch: calling you now
*** ProngsQuidditch is requesting a video call ***
*** Video call accepted ***
*** AIM Video Call - 4:14 AM ***
AIM Video Call: ProngsQuidditch ↔ MoonyBlues03 Connection: Good | Duration: 00:00:15
ProngsQuidditch
[appears on camera wearing a rumpled Quidditch t-shirt, hair messier than usual, sitting cross-legged on his bed]
Right, okay, much better than typing. You look terrible, by the way.
MoonyBlues03
[visible in a dark room, lit only by his laptop screen, wearing an oversized jumper, looks exhausted]
Thanks, that's exactly what I needed to hear right now.
ProngsQuidditch
Sorry, I just mean you look worried. And tired. When's the last time you actually slept?
MoonyBlues03
[rubs his face with both hands]
I don't know. Tuesday? Maybe Monday. It's all blending together.
ProngsQuidditch
Moony, that's not healthy even for you. What's really going on? Because yes, the full moon thing is serious, but you've been off since before you figured that out.
MoonyBlues03
[long pause, looking away from the camera]
I was going through old files on my laptop. Memories. Photos from first year, chat logs, emails...
ProngsQuidditch
[leans forward, concerned]
That sounds like emotional masochism. Why would you do that to yourself?
MoonyBlues03
Because I was feeling nostalgic and stupid. Because being locked up for eight days makes you do stupid things. Because I missed... I missed how we used to be.
ProngsQuidditch
We can be that way again, you know. We're still us.
MoonyBlues03
[shakes his head]
No, we're not. We haven't been since the prank. And reading through all those old conversations, seeing how happy we were, how much we trusted each other... It just made it worse.
ProngsQuidditch
Moony...
MoonyBlues03
And now this full moon thing, and I realize I can't even trust Sirius to help me with it. The person who used to transform with me every month, who used to be my anchor, my safety net... I can't trust him not to use my lycanthropy against me again.
ProngsQuidditch
[voice gets firmer]
That's not going to happen.
MoonyBlues03
How can you be so sure?
ProngsQuidditch
Because I've seen what it did to him. The guilt, Remus. It's eating him alive. He hasn't been the same since it happened.
MoonyBlues03
[bitter laugh]
Good. He should feel guilty.
ProngsQuidditch
He does. Trust me, he does. But Moony, you can't hold onto this anger forever. It's destroying you both.
MoonyBlues03
So what, I should just forgive him? Pretend it never happened?
ProngsQuidditch
No, you should let him prove he's learned from it. Let him help with the full moon. Let him show you that he's not the same person who made that mistake.
MoonyBlues03
[long silence, staring at his hands]
What if he hasn't learned? What if he's still that person who sees me as a weapon first?
ProngsQuidditch
Then I'll stop him. Just like I did last time. But Remus, I really don't think that's who he is anymore.
MoonyBlues03
[looks up at the camera]
You really think we can make this work? The full moon thing?
ProngsQuidditch
[grins confidently]
Are you kidding? We're the fucking Marauders. We turned into illegal animagi at fourteen. We created a magical map that tracks every person in Hogwarts. We've been sneaking around this castle for six years. You think a little quarantine is going to stop us?
MoonyBlues03
[small smile]
A little quarantine and a fully transformed werewolf in a tiny room.
ProngsQuidditch
Details. We'll figure it out. We always do.
MoonyBlues03
And if we don't?
ProngsQuidditch
[shrugs]
Then we'll deal with the consequences together. That's what family does.
MoonyBlues03
[voice gets quieter]
James?
ProngsQuidditch
Yeah?
MoonyBlues03
Thank you. For not giving up on us. On me.
ProngsQuidditch
[voice gets serious]
Moony, I would never give up on you. None of us would. We're brothers, remember? The chosen family thing?
MoonyBlues03
Even after everything that's happened?
ProngsQuidditch
Especially after everything that's happened. That's when family matters most.
MoonyBlues03
[wipes his eyes quickly]
Okay. Okay, so what's the plan?
ProngsQuidditch
[sits up straighter, getting into planning mode]
Right. First things first - we need to talk to the others. All of us together. I know you're angry at Sirius, but we need his expertise with the transformation. And Peter's good at logistics.
MoonyBlues03
What about the quarantine rules?
ProngsQuidditch
[wicked grin]
Since when have we cared about rules? Besides, this is a matter of life and death. I think Dumbledore would understand.
MoonyBlues03
And if he doesn't?
ProngsQuidditch
Then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, let's focus on keeping you from accidentally mauling anyone.
MoonyBlues03
[pause]
James?
ProngsQuidditch
What?
MoonyBlues03
Can we... can we maybe not mention this conversation to Sirius? About me not trusting him? I know I need to deal with that, but I'm not ready yet.
ProngsQuidditch
[nods]
Of course. But Moony? You're going to have to talk to him eventually. This thing between you two... it's not sustainable.
MoonyBlues03
I know. I just... not yet.
ProngsQuidditch
Fair enough. So, group chat tomorrow to plan operation "Keep Moony from Going Feral in Quarantine"?
MoonyBlues03
[finally laughs properly]
That's a terrible operation name.
ProngsQuidditch
I'm still working on it. "Operation Doggy Style" was my first choice but I thought that might be inappropriate given my current sexual identity crisis.
MoonyBlues03
[covering his face with his hands but still laughing]
Oh my god, James.
ProngsQuidditch
[pleased with himself]
There we go. That's the first real laugh I've heard from you in days.
MoonyBlues03
You're an idiot.
ProngsQuidditch
Maybe. But I'm your idiot. And I'm going to help you get through this, okay?
MoonyBlues03
[soft smile]
Okay. Thank you, James. Really.
ProngsQuidditch
Don't thank me yet. Wait until we successfully contain a werewolf without alerting half the castle or getting expelled.
MoonyBlues03
Right. No pressure at all.
ProngsQuidditch
Exactly. Now go try to get some sleep. We've got a lot of planning to do tomorrow.
MoonyBlues03
What about you? Are you going to be able to sleep, or are you going to lie awake thinking about your "pottersexuality" crisis?
ProngsQuidditch
[grins sheepishly]
Probably the latter. But hey, at least I've got plenty of material to work with now that I've seen your... research photographs.
MoonyBlues03
James Potter, if you masturbate to thoughts of me while I'm trying to sleep, I will never speak to you again.
ProngsQuidditch
Deal. I'll try to think of someone else entirely. Maybe that Ravenclaw from Potions class.
MoonyBlues03
Which Ravenclaw from Potions?
ProngsQuidditch
You know, the one with the... never mind. Go to sleep, Moony.
MoonyBlues03
Goodnight, James. And James?
ProngsQuidditch
Yeah?
MoonyBlues03
Thanks for being you.
ProngsQuidditch
[soft smile]
Anytime, Moony. Sweet dreams.
[Video call ended - Duration: 47 minutes, 23 seconds]
*** Post-Call Away Messages - 5:02 AM ***
AUTO-AWAY MESSAGE LOG
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🟢 ProngsQuidditch - operation "keep moony from going feral" planning committee now in session
🔴 MoonyBlues03 - "we'll figure it out. we always do." - james potter, chronic optimist
🔴 SiriuslyTrouble - "breaking the habit tonight" - linkin park
🟢 WormtailPeter - why is everyone awake at 5am???
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