I don't know how to write this. I don't know how to process what happened.
Sirius told Snape how to get into the tunnel. He told him exactly how to bypass the Whomping Willow on the night of the full moon. He weaponized me.
James stopped it. Thank god, James stopped it. He figured out what Sirius had done and ran after Snape, tackled him in the tunnel before he could reach me. But the damage is done. Snape knows. He's sworn to secrecy by Dumbledore, but he knows.
But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is why Sirius did it.
He says he was angry. Says Snape was being persistent and threatening and he just snapped. But I know Sirius when he's angry, and this wasn't that. This was calculated. This was cruel.
He looked at meāme, the person he claims to loveāand thought "weapon." He saw my transformation, my most vulnerable and dangerous state, as something to be used against an enemy.
I thought he understood. I thought when he held me after full moons, when he stayed human so I could curl up against Padfoot's warmth, when he whispered that I was beautiful even like thisāI thought he meant it.
But he doesn't see Moony as part of me. He sees Moony as a tool. A monster he can point at people he doesn't like.
The worst part is everyone expects me to forgive him. "He's sorry," James keeps saying. "He didn't think it through," Peter adds. "He loves you," they all insist.
But love isn't supposed to feel like this. Love isn't supposed to make you into a weapon.
I can't look at him. I can't be in the same room as him. Every time he tries to talk to me, I remember that moment when he casually told our enemy exactly how to find me at my most dangerous.
I trusted him with everything. My secret, my body, my heart. And he betrayed all of it.
I don't know how to come back from this. I don't know if I want to.
I fucked up. I fucked up so badly I don't know how to fix it.
I nearly got Severus killed. I nearly turned Remus into a killer. I nearly destroyed everything good in my life because I was angry and stupid and cruel.
Just like her. Just like my mother.
All those years of telling myself I was different, that I'd chosen to be better, that I'd never hurt the people I love the way she hurt me. And then I proved that I'm exactly what she always said I was: a Black. Cruel and vindictive and willing to destroy anything that gets in my way.
Remus won't look at me. Won't speak to me. He flinches when I come into a room.
I did that. I took the person I love most in the world and made him afraid of me.
James is disgusted with me. He keeps trying to hide it, but I can see it in his eyes. He saved Severus, saved Remus, saved me from becoming something unforgivable. And I hate that he had to. I hate that I put him in that position.
I keep trying to explain, to apologize, to make them understand that I never meant for anyone to get hurt. But how do you explain the inexplicable? How do you apologize for becoming the thing you've spent your whole life trying not to be?
Remus trusted me with his biggest secret, his greatest vulnerability. And I used it as a weapon.
I am my mother's son, and I've destroyed the only family that ever mattered to me.
It's been ten days since the incident, and I feel like I'm the only thing holding our group together.
Remus is shutting down completely. He goes to classes, does his homework, participates in conversations when necessary, but there's nothing behind his eyes. It's like he's gone somewhere we can't follow.
Sirius is destroying himself with guilt. He's not eating, barely sleeping, flinching every time someone mentions what happened. Yesterday I found him sitting in the bathroom at 3 AM, just staring at the wall.
Peter is caught in the middle, trying to be loyal to everyone and helping no one.
And I'm trying to hold it all together while being furious at my best friend for nearly destroying everything we've built.
I love Sirius. He's my brother in every way that matters. But I can't understand how he thought that was okay, even for a second. I can't understand how he looked at RemusāRemus, who's been hurt enough for several lifetimesāand decided to hurt him more.
But I also can't let our family fall apart. These four people are the most important thing in my life, and I won't let one moment of stupidity destroy years of love and loyalty.
So I'm playing mediator. I'm making sure Remus eats. I'm making sure Sirius doesn't do anything stupid. I'm pretending everything is normal while the two people I care about most circle each other like wounded animals.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it can be fixed.
But I have to try. Because losing thisālosing themāisn't an option.
Remus closed the laptop with shaking hands. Reading through the aftermath of the Prank was like reopening a wound that had never properly healed. Even now, over a year later, he could feel the echo of that betrayal.
But as he sat in the dark of his quarantine room, something else occurred to him. Something he'd been too hurt and angry to notice at the time.
They'd stayed. Even after everything fell apart, even after the trust was broken and the silence stretched for weeksāthey'd stayed. James had fought to keep them together. Sirius had nearly destroyed himself with remorse. Peter had quietly, steadily been there for all of them.
And eventually, slowly, they'd found their way back to something resembling friendship. Not the sameāit could never be the sameābut something. They were still here, still sharing space, still caring about each other despite everything.
Maybe that meant something.
He was about to close the laptop when a folder at the bottom of the screen caught his eye. "Important - Medical - DO NOT DELETE."
With growing dread, he opened it.
There, among old emails from Madam Pomfrey about pain management potions and dietary restrictions, was a document he'd forgotten about. A calendar file, automatically synced with the school's astronomical data.
"Lunar Cycle Predictions 2003-2004"
His eyes scanned down to October. October 2nd. Full moon. Less than two weeks away.
And suddenly, with crushing clarity, he realized the problem he'd been too distracted by relationship drama to consider.
Quarantine protocols meant no one could leave their individual rooms between sunset and sunrise. No one could access the Hospital Wing without express permission from medical staff. No one could leave the castle grounds.
Which meant his usual routineābeing escorted by Madam Pomfrey to the Shrieking Shack, transforming safely away from other studentsāwas impossible.
He was going to have to transform here. In the castle. Surrounded by sleeping students who had no idea what was coming.
The laptop screen blurred as panic set in. In less than two weeks, unless the quarantine ended, he was going to become a monster in the middle of Hogwarts. And there was nowhere to run.