Okay so I'm writing this with one hand because the other is... well, let's just say I'm REALLY needing to document my findings while they're fresh in my mind. Scientific method and all that.

I cannot stop thinking about what Grant wrote to Remus. Like, I've read those messages probably fifty times now and every single time I get hard thinking about it. Not just the explicit stuff (though fuck, that was hot), but the way he talked to Remus. The way he WANTED him.

I keep imagining myself saying those things to Remus. "Want to tell you how much I think about fucking you." Jesus Christ just writing that made my dick twitch. Is that normal? Is it normal to get this turned on thinking about your best friend?

Because I am SO fucking turned on right now. I've been hard for like three hours straight and I keep having to... take care of business... but it's not helping. I finish and then five minutes later I'm thinking about Remus's hands or his mouth or the way he looked at me when I sent him that picture and I'm hard again.

Speaking of which - he still hasn't rated my dick. I mean, I know he said he wouldn't, but he definitely looked. And he didn't immediately delete the message, so that's something, right? Maybe he saved it? Maybe he's looking at it right now while he...

Fuck, I need to stop thinking about that or I'm going to come in my pants again. Already did that twice today thinking about what "educational things" might involve.

Here's what I've figured out so far:

1. I am definitely not straight.
Straight guys don't spend three hours jerking off to the thought of their male best friend's mouth. I googled it. Well, I tried to google it but the internet is being slow and I kept getting distracted by... other things.

2. I want Remus to touch me.
Like, really fucking badly. I keep thinking about his hands - he has really nice hands, have I mentioned that? Long fingers, always so careful with everything. I bet he'd be really good with his hands. I bet he'd know exactly how to... God, I'm getting hard again just thinking about it.

3. I also want to touch him.
This is the part that's really confusing me. I keep thinking about what Grant said about worshipping Remus's body and I want to do that. I want to find out what makes him make those "little noises" Grant mentioned. I want to make him bite his lip the way Grant described. I want to make him come apart the way Grant was talking about.

4. I might want to do more than just touch.
Okay so I looked up some... educational videos... on the internet tonight. And holy fuck. I mean, I always knew gay sex existed obviously, but I never really thought about the mechanics. But watching those guys... the way they moved together, the sounds they made... I kept thinking "I want to do that with Remus."

Especially the one where the dark-haired guy was on his knees and the other guy had his hands in his hair and was just... fuck. I came so hard watching that, thinking about Remus on his knees looking up at me with those eyes of his.

But then I also kept thinking about being the one on my knees. Which is weird, right? Like, I don't know if I want to be the one in control or if I want Remus to take control. Maybe both? Is that a thing?

5. I need to know what it feels like.
I tried... experimenting... on myself tonight. Just to see what it might feel like if someone else was doing it. And fuck, it was different. Good different. Really good different. I kept thinking about Remus's mouth and wondering if he'd be gentle or if he'd be intense like Grant described.

I also tried thinking about what it would feel like to have him inside me. Not just fingers, but... more. The idea should probably freak me out, right? But it doesn't. It makes me want to try it. It makes me want to ask him to show me everything.

6. This doesn't change how I feel about Lily... does it?
Okay so this is the really confusing part. I still think Lily is gorgeous. I still get turned on thinking about her. But now I'm also getting turned on thinking about Remus. And that's... that's possible, right? To want both?

I tried jerking off thinking about Lily earlier (you know, to test if I was still into girls) and it definitely still worked. But then I started thinking about what it would be like if both of them were there and... fuck. That might have been the hardest I've ever come in my life.

Is that what being bi means? Being able to be attracted to both? Because I definitely still want to shag Lily senseless. But I also really want Remus to shag me senseless. Or maybe I want to shag him senseless? Or all of the above?

7. I think I have a thing for people being patient with me.
Both Lily and Remus have this way of looking at me when I'm being an idiot, like they're fond but exasperated. And for some reason that makes me want to... well, it makes me want to do things to them. Or have them do things to me.

Maybe I just like people who are smarter than me? Which, let's be honest, is most people.

Current Status: Still hard as a rock and probably going to be until I actually get to touch him. Also pretty sure I'm going to die if I have to wait much longer to find out what his mouth feels like.

Next Steps: Figure out how to convince Remus to give me those "educational" lessons without seeming too desperate. Even though I am definitely desperate. Like, embarrassingly desperate. Also figure out if this means I should stop asking Lily to Hogsmeade or if I should ask them both? Is that a thing people do?

Maybe I should send Remus another picture? Better lighting this time? Or maybe I should just show up at his room and ask him to rate me in person?

Fuck, I'm hopeless. But I'm also really, really horny, and I think I'm going to go take care of that again while thinking about all the things I want Remus to teach me. And maybe what I'd like to do with Lily too. Or both of them together, which is probably never going to happen but holy shit the fantasy is incredible.

If anyone ever reads this, I'm dead from embarrassment. But also probably dead from sexual frustration if someone doesn't put me out of my misery soon.

Research conclusion: I'm definitely bi, definitely confused about how this all works, and definitely need to get laid before I lose my mind completely. By someone. Anyone. Preferably someone with patience and nice hands.

End log.

P.S. - Just came again thinking about Remus reading this journal entry. I am so fucked.