SiriuslyTrouble is calling LilyEvans
LilyEvans:
[answers call, appearing on screen with concerned expression] Sirius? You okay? You seemed really upset in the chat.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[appears on camera, hair messier than usual, sitting on his bed with Dashboard Confessional playing quietly in the background] Hey Lily. Yeah, I'm... [runs hand through hair] I don't know. Can we talk?
LilyEvans:
Of course. What's going on? And don't say you're fine because you clearly aren't.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[looks away from camera for a moment] This whole James and Remus thing... it's just... fuck, Lily, I don't know how to deal with this.
LilyEvans:
[leans forward, voice gentle] Deal with what exactly? You seemed more upset than just normal friend concern.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[laughs bitterly] Friend concern. Yeah. That's... that's part of it. [pauses, then looks directly at camera] Lily, can I tell you something? And you promise not to think I'm completely fucked up?
LilyEvans:
Sirius, you could tell me you're secretly a werewolf and I wouldn't think you're fucked up. What's going on?
SiriuslyTrouble:
[winces slightly at the werewolf comment] It's about James. And Remus. And... me.
LilyEvans:
Okay. I'm listening.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[takes a deep breath] James is my best friend. Has been since we were eleven. And I know that sounds stupid because we're all friends, but James and I... we just clicked, you know? He was the first person who ever really got me. Who didn't care about my family or their expectations or any of that shit.
LilyEvans:
[nods] That doesn't sound stupid at all.
SiriuslyTrouble:
And now he's all caught up in this sexuality crisis thing, which, don't get me wrong, I'm happy he's figuring himself out. But it's like... suddenly I don't matter anymore. He's not talking to me about it, he's talking to Remus. Asking Remus for help. And I just... [voice cracks slightly] I feel like I'm losing him.
LilyEvans:
[softly] Sirius...
SiriuslyTrouble:
But that's not even the worst part. [pauses, looking down] The worst part is Remus.
LilyEvans:
What about Remus?
SiriuslyTrouble:
[quiet for a long moment, then looks back up] I think I'm in love with him. Have been for... God, probably two years now. Maybe longer.
LilyEvans:
[eyes widen but voice stays gentle] Oh, Sirius.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[voice getting emotional] And I fucked it up, Lily. I fucked it up so badly that he can barely look at me anymore, let alone... anything else.
LilyEvans:
What happened? You two used to be so close.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[covers face with hands] I did something really stupid. Last year. I told Snape something I shouldn't have told him. About Remus. Something private. Something that could have gotten people seriously hurt.
LilyEvans:
[sharp intake of breath] Sirius, what did you do?
SiriuslyTrouble:
I can't... I can't tell you the details. It's not my secret to share. But I betrayed Remus's trust in the worst possible way. James had to... James saved the situation before anyone got really hurt, but the damage was done. Remus barely speaks to me anymore unless he has to.
LilyEvans:
[quietly] That's why you've been so distant this year. Why you've been so moody.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[nods, tears visible] I miss him, Lily. I miss talking to him, I miss him trusting me, I miss the way he used to smile at me like I was worth something. And now James gets all of that. James gets to help him and be close to him and maybe even... [voice breaks] maybe even kiss him.
LilyEvans:
[voice very soft] And you have to watch from the sidelines.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[wipes eyes] I'm losing both of them. James to his new obsession, and Remus to James. And it's my own fucking fault.
LilyEvans:
Sirius, have you tried talking to Remus? Really talking to him? About what happened?
SiriuslyTrouble:
[shakes head] What's the point? I can't undo what I did. I can't make him trust me again. And now with this James thing... why would he want me when he could have James? James who never betrayed him, James who's apparently attractive enough to rate a 7.5.
LilyEvans:
[firmly] Sirius Black, you listen to me. You're not losing anything. James will always be your best friend, no matter what happens with Remus. And as for Remus...
SiriuslyTrouble:
What about him?
LilyEvans:
Maybe you should tell him how you feel. About everything. Not just the... whatever you did, but how you feel about him.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[laughs bitterly] Right. "Hey Remus, I know I betrayed your deepest secret and nearly got people killed, but I'm in love with you. Want to make out?"
LilyEvans:
[slight smile] Maybe not exactly like that. But Sirius, you're torturing yourself. And watching James and Remus potentially get together when you have feelings for both of them... that's going to destroy you.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[looks surprised] Both of them?
LilyEvans:
[raises eyebrow] Come on. The way you talk about James, the way you've always been with him... Sirius, you're in love with your best friend too, aren't you?
SiriuslyTrouble:
[long pause, then quietly] Maybe. I don't know. It's all so fucked up, Lily. I don't know what I feel anymore except... left out. And jealous. And like everything good in my life is slipping away.
LilyEvans:
[leaning forward] Listen to me. You are not losing everything. But you need to stop wallowing and start fighting for what matters to you.
SiriuslyTrouble:
How? How do I fight for something I already destroyed?
LilyEvans:
By being honest. With Remus about what you did and why you're sorry. With James about how you're feeling left out. With yourself about what you actually want.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[wipes nose] What if they both reject me? What if I lose them completely?
LilyEvans:
What if you don't? What if Remus has been waiting for you to actually apologize properly? What if James has no idea you're feeling left out? What if they both care about you more than you think?
SiriuslyTrouble:
[voice small] You really think so?
LilyEvans:
I think you're all seventeen-year-old disasters who care about each other way more than you know how to handle. And I think you're going to regret it forever if you don't at least try.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[quiet for a moment] Lily?
SiriuslyTrouble:
Thank you. For listening. For not thinking I'm completely pathetic.
LilyEvans:
[warm smile] You're not pathetic, Sirius. You're hurting. There's a difference.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[small smile back] When did you get so wise?
LilyEvans:
[laughs] Someone has to be the mature one in this friend group. Clearly it's not going to be James with his scientific dick pic methodology.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[actual laugh] God, he really did that, didn't he? Just... sent Remus a picture of his dick for "research."
LilyEvans:
[grinning] And then asked for multiple comparison ratings. Your best friend is absolutely unhinged.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[fondly] Yeah, he is. But that's... that's kind of why I love him. Both of them. They're mental, but they're my mental idiots.
LilyEvans:
See? You do know what you want. Now you just have to figure out how to get it.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[takes a deep breath] Yeah. Maybe you're right. Maybe it's time to stop being a coward.
LilyEvans:
I'm always right, Sirius. You should know that by now.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[laughs] Noted. Lily?
SiriuslyTrouble:
If this all goes horribly wrong, can I come cry to you again?
LilyEvans:
[warmly] Always. But Sirius? I don't think it's going to go wrong. I think you might be surprised by how much they've missed you too.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[hopeful] Really?
LilyEvans:
Really. Now go wash your face and figure out what you want to say to them.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[nods] Okay. Yeah. I can do this.
LilyEvans:
You can. And Sirius?
LilyEvans:
For what it's worth, I think you're brave for admitting all this. Takes guts to be honest about loving two people who might end up together.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[softly] Thanks, Lily. Really.
LilyEvans:
Anytime. Now go get your boys.
SiriuslyTrouble:
[small smile] My boys. I like the sound of that.
LilyEvans:
[grinning] Good. Because they're yours, Sirius. They just don't know it yet.